Questions & Answers: The humbletough Way
Asking questions without waiting for the answer is foolishness and a shame.
Good questions mean nothing if not coupled with exceptional listening.
So many people ask a good question, only to hijack the conversation seconds later with their own thoughts. I’m guilty of this myself.
Here’s the pattern I’ve developed to protect myself from, well, me. It’s not perfect, and I’m not perfect at it, yet when I stick to this plan, I’ve rarely experienced a negative result.
ONE: Ask a question and count to 10.
Don’t interrupt, ask another question, or make a statement—even if the other person says nothing. Let the awkwardness form an unobstructed bridge of connection. Let the invitation to chat hang in the air!
TWO: Listen to understand.
You’re not done yet; it’s not your turn to speak! Keep listening to learn and understand their perspective. Try to identify ways in which you (or they) might misunderstand the situation.
THREE: Ask a follow-on question.
“Why do you think it works that way?” or “What’s your perspective on the root problem?” or “How does that make you feel?” are great starters.
Questions like these calm the other person so they don’t feel forced to respond with perfect information; they only offer their perspective. It’s important that you don’t interject your thoughts into the situation at this point. Don’t aim to be right; aim to gain clarity.
FOUR: Ask how they’d advise a friend to fix it.
Now you’re starting to engage; you’re asking them to identify next steps. It’s always better if they identify next steps themselves, but you may need to offer broad ideas, especially if they’re stressed, tired, or emotionally charged.
This is where faulty thinking starts to become more clear to the other person. As they talk about the next steps, the realities of incomplete or inaccurate information begin to break down as they discuss steps. They may begin second-guessing some of the perspectives they described earlier.
FIVE: Ask if you can share your perspective of the situation.
One, remember it’s a perspective—there are things you don’t know about their life or situation. Two, say as much to the other person! If you’ve done the first four steps with honesty and patience, this step is often not needed because the other person invites you to weigh in on what they’ve described.
SIX: Rinse and repeat.
This isn’t a once-and-done process. Even in a single conversation, you may need to repeat these steps multiple times. It takes effort and patience to guide relationships through this pattern of truth and love.
As always,
Stay humble. Hang tough.
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“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Proverbs 18:13